The Emerging Church...sort of

Bubba BiGot Jr. III, or T.T. as I refer to him, belongs to a different sort of church than the one he grew up attending. No more Sunday suits, assigned pews, obligatory three hymns, offering, sermon, and benediction - T.T.'s church meets in a bar...OK, the owner changed the name to grill, but you can still buy a screwdriver or Budweiser after service if you desire.

The church used to meet in a barn. Before that it met in a shopping center; and before that it met in a fitness center. As the venues have changed, so has the form of the church.

This is an equal opportunity church. Before moving to the bar/grill, members could bring their pets to church. For some stupid reason, this is frowned upon by the health inspectors, so I just sit outside and listen through the window. T.T. leaves a leash on the table next to me in case a cop drives by. I simply slip my head through the leash, the other end of which is attached to the table legs. Once the SOBCOP has gone, I pull my head out and go about my business. Sometimes I leave my business on the sidewalk just because these leash laws suck.

Up until recently, the church had no music, but now a couple of members are bringing guitars and everyone will sing three or four songs. They aren't as good as a pack of baying hounds, but they're not bad for humans. The singing probably freaks out the heathens in the next room, who're there eating breakfast instead of being in church - where they belong, IMHO.

Most of the time these Christians talk about scripture, and about what's going on in their lives. Sometimes it's about biology, DNA, herbs, or even politics. Usually T.T. has at least one political comment or opinion to share. This past Sunday the talk was about mafia wars. You see, half of the members of the church are in the same mafia family. None of them are Italian as far as I know. And none of them can sing Soprano. But it does make sense for a mafia to meet in a restaurant/bar/grill to conduct business, spiritual or otherwise.

T.T. was bragging on the number of members in his part of the family: around 435 or so. He's not the highest man on the totem pole. The guy playing the guitar is up there. Even the pastor is in the mafia. They were talking about how many casinos they owned, how many town cars and Humvees were in their stable, who they whack and what determines who gets whacked and how often, which mafia families they have alliances with, etc. I wanted to tell T.T. to lower the window some in case a cop walked by and overhead what they were saying, but I was intrigued and wanted to hear more.

It seems that T.T. is earning about $3,000,000 an hour and has over $20 billion in the bank. Those lottery winnings were sure invested well. Then the pastor says that $3 million is nothing - he's making hundreds of millions an hour! I couldn't believe my ears at first, but then I realized that most of it is going to stimulate Obama's economy. One would think they would whack the President and buy off Congress with that much money at stake.

Apparently these mafia members put great stock in gifts and collecting statuary, paintings, rings, even neckties and playing cards. They'll pull off a heist in the hopes of finding one of these items. No wonder the American Christians are the most affluent believers in the world. Who else would risk so many lives to gain a Queen of Hearts or Seven of Clubs?


Now I know that the Church used to be in bed with the government in Europe, which is why the Protestants moved to America about 500 years ago. Now it looks like the mafia has gained control of the Southern Baptists and other fundamental denominations and is planning to take over the government. It's all very confusing and scary. It’s said that once you join the mafia, you're in it for life. Perhaps that's what the Baptists mean when they say "Once saved, always saved."

You would think that with all that money and power the people could come to church in something nicer than sandals and shorts. They must be keeping it all on the down-low. I'll bet I know what they're doing! They're laundering all that money through various ministries all over the world. That's the only explanation for the pastor spending time recently with a group of Church movers-and-shakers out on Orcas Island. They're redefining the Church. The Pope is being replaced by the Don who gets his orders from GODFather; and I guess that's cool, because the old Church was about as effective as the federal government.

Something is bothering me though. I don't understand how these Christians can justify breaking all the Commandments. All this mugging, whacking, snuffing, robbing, bribing, and paying off people just doesn't seem to fit in with scripture. I've got to remember to talk to God about it next time He comes over. Maybe it’s all covered under the Grace clause.