The Emerging Church...sort of

Bubba BiGot Jr. III, or T.T. as I refer to him, belongs to a different sort of church than the one he grew up attending. No more Sunday suits, assigned pews, obligatory three hymns, offering, sermon, and benediction - T.T.'s church meets in a bar...OK, the owner changed the name to grill, but you can still buy a screwdriver or Budweiser after service if you desire.

The church used to meet in a barn. Before that it met in a shopping center; and before that it met in a fitness center. As the venues have changed, so has the form of the church.

This is an equal opportunity church. Before moving to the bar/grill, members could bring their pets to church. For some stupid reason, this is frowned upon by the health inspectors, so I just sit outside and listen through the window. T.T. leaves a leash on the table next to me in case a cop drives by. I simply slip my head through the leash, the other end of which is attached to the table legs. Once the SOBCOP has gone, I pull my head out and go about my business. Sometimes I leave my business on the sidewalk just because these leash laws suck.

Up until recently, the church had no music, but now a couple of members are bringing guitars and everyone will sing three or four songs. They aren't as good as a pack of baying hounds, but they're not bad for humans. The singing probably freaks out the heathens in the next room, who're there eating breakfast instead of being in church - where they belong, IMHO.

Most of the time these Christians talk about scripture, and about what's going on in their lives. Sometimes it's about biology, DNA, herbs, or even politics. Usually T.T. has at least one political comment or opinion to share. This past Sunday the talk was about mafia wars. You see, half of the members of the church are in the same mafia family. None of them are Italian as far as I know. And none of them can sing Soprano. But it does make sense for a mafia to meet in a restaurant/bar/grill to conduct business, spiritual or otherwise.

T.T. was bragging on the number of members in his part of the family: around 435 or so. He's not the highest man on the totem pole. The guy playing the guitar is up there. Even the pastor is in the mafia. They were talking about how many casinos they owned, how many town cars and Humvees were in their stable, who they whack and what determines who gets whacked and how often, which mafia families they have alliances with, etc. I wanted to tell T.T. to lower the window some in case a cop walked by and overhead what they were saying, but I was intrigued and wanted to hear more.

It seems that T.T. is earning about $3,000,000 an hour and has over $20 billion in the bank. Those lottery winnings were sure invested well. Then the pastor says that $3 million is nothing - he's making hundreds of millions an hour! I couldn't believe my ears at first, but then I realized that most of it is going to stimulate Obama's economy. One would think they would whack the President and buy off Congress with that much money at stake.

Apparently these mafia members put great stock in gifts and collecting statuary, paintings, rings, even neckties and playing cards. They'll pull off a heist in the hopes of finding one of these items. No wonder the American Christians are the most affluent believers in the world. Who else would risk so many lives to gain a Queen of Hearts or Seven of Clubs?


Now I know that the Church used to be in bed with the government in Europe, which is why the Protestants moved to America about 500 years ago. Now it looks like the mafia has gained control of the Southern Baptists and other fundamental denominations and is planning to take over the government. It's all very confusing and scary. It’s said that once you join the mafia, you're in it for life. Perhaps that's what the Baptists mean when they say "Once saved, always saved."

You would think that with all that money and power the people could come to church in something nicer than sandals and shorts. They must be keeping it all on the down-low. I'll bet I know what they're doing! They're laundering all that money through various ministries all over the world. That's the only explanation for the pastor spending time recently with a group of Church movers-and-shakers out on Orcas Island. They're redefining the Church. The Pope is being replaced by the Don who gets his orders from GODFather; and I guess that's cool, because the old Church was about as effective as the federal government.

Something is bothering me though. I don't understand how these Christians can justify breaking all the Commandments. All this mugging, whacking, snuffing, robbing, bribing, and paying off people just doesn't seem to fit in with scripture. I've got to remember to talk to God about it next time He comes over. Maybe it’s all covered under the Grace clause.

Carolina Blue

Over the weekend, T.T. and I took a drive over to enemy country - Chapel Hill. We parked off Franklin Street and took a stroll around Morehead Planetarium. Many humans were out walking their dogs. I received lots of looks from both humans and canines as I was the only dog not on a leash. A few people made the mistake of pointing that out to Bubba and he cordially invited them to go to the place of eternal damnation.


There were as many races of humans as there were breeds of dogs! I saw an Asian couple with a blond baby. When asked the baby's name, the mother said, "Sum Ting Wong". We passed an Irish couple with a beautiful sheep dog who said they were on vacation. I guess they were visiting a different bar. There was a guy standing outside an Italian restaurant handing out menus. One arm was shorter than the other. I suppose he had a speech impediment.

Baby blue flags and pennants were everywhere. Carolina has just won the NCAA basketball championship. A couple of Mexicans, perhaps giving up on soccer, were trying their hand at basketball. They were surrounded by forty or fifty other Hispanics trying to figure out the sport and yelling encouragement. From what I could tell, the two were playing Juan on Juan basketball, though it looked more like a shot put competition to me.

There were lots of co-eds out jogging, some with their dogs. There was one really smart blond that stood out. She was a retreiver. I managed to get her number when the girls stopped to help T.T. who passed out trying to keep up with them.

Once he recovered we sat down at a sidewalk cafe for something cold to drink. T.T. commented that there were a lot of Yankees in Chapel Hill. I asked him what Yankee meant, and he said, "Same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone." Two Yankees were talking about the dissolution of their marital relationships. One asked the other, "Why do divorces cost so much?" and the other replied, "Because they're worth it."

Everywhere we went we saw kids with spiked and dyed hair, body piercings, and tattoos. Many wore leather and chains; with dark eye shadow and lipstick. Even their fingernails were painted black. There were girls holding hands with girls, and guys holding hands with guys. T.T. called them 'Fairies'. You could tell which ones were Yankee fairies and which were Southern: The Yankee fairies would say, "Once upon a time..." and the Southern fairies would say, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t!"

A Chapel Hill policeman approached T.T. and told him that I had to be on a leash. Something about a zoning ordinance. T.T. lied and told the officer that one of the Goths had taken it when we weren't looking. The policeman said in that case, T.T. would have to carry me. Now I'm a grown dog and I don't need to be toted around like some sissy Pomeranian. I bit the guy, and we took off for the truck.

By this time, T.T. and I had grown tired of Chapel Hill with their snooty airs. "The heck with this place. Next Saturday, let's go to Asheboro and see what's happening at the zoo. I hear that in addition to a description of the animals on the front of the cage, they're now including recipes." As long as their ain't no dogs in those cages, I'm game. I think I'll call that smart blond and see if she wants to go have an exotic meal together.