The Ten Commandments of Bigotry

This morning The Third woke me with much banging and cursing. I poked my head out of the front door to see what the fuss was about. TT was manhandling two large stone tablets into the back of his pickup. He glanced my way, saw me watching and shouted for me to hop into the truck. I declined. I’d gone out hunting last night and had to DVR 24, so I wanted to catch up on Jack Bauer before somebody else told me what happened.

Around lunch I moseyed on down towards the front gate and saw where TT had planted the tablets in front of some azalea bushes. He’d also installed a flood light that pointed directly at the tablets; I suspect so his beer-drinking buddies wouldn’t run over them turning into the driveway.

I recognized the tablets because they used to be at the gate to the family cemetery back in New Orleans. When the levees broke and inundated the cemetery, ol’ TT took the fan boat out to retrieve them. He said that they had been passed down from God to his forefathers. I had my doubts, because most of TT’s relatives never learned to read.

Across the top of the first tablet was the inscription: “Ten Commandments of Bigotry”. Below this was chiseled in Imprint MT Shallow font the following commandments:

1. Thou shalt not hate, but thou shalt dislike, everyone. TT obeys this first commandment pretty well. There’s a difference between a racist and a bigot. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright is a racist; Rush Limbaugh is a bigot. Racists are small-minded, bigots are broad-minded – equal opportunity discriminators.
2. Thou shalt not listen to NPR. You see, this is why I’m not so sure God gave these tablets to TT’s ancestors. I understand the sentiment – the NPR reporters will put you to sleep with their monotone delivery. I suspect it’s their way of brain-washing their listening audience; but radio wasn’t even around when God was supposed to have given these commandments.
3. Thou shalt not blame George W. Bush for every problem in your life. Then again, only God could have known that GW would become President and that he would be blamed for Hurricane Katrina and the World Trade Center bombings and Enron and faith based initiatives.
4. Thou shalt not lay down with liberals. Duh! Some truths are self-evident.
5. Thou shalt not associate with, donate to, or fellowship with, racists that belong to the KKK, the NAACP, Acorn, PETA, OPEC, DNC (not the store – the political party), W.A.R., MEChA, and the ACLU. OK, I can see how hanging out with people who hate everything from a person’s skin color, political persuasion, religious preference or even hate our God-given freedoms can be a downer. Racists are miserable people…and there’s a lot of them…everywhere.

On the other tablet was the second set of commandments. The first tablet contained the don’t's, the second contained the dos.

6. Thou shalt preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. I didn’t know that America’s Founding Fathers were guilty of plagiarism!
7. Thou shalt speak your mind. This is another commandment that TT excels at. Political correctness be damned! Say what you mean to say; just understand that there’s a difference between transparency and shallowness.
8. Thou shalt take responsibility for yourself. Amen brother! I thank God I’m not like those dogs who crap on the sidewalks and expect humans to pick up after me. TT hates it when he goes to the movies and people leave their trash under their seats. But I think the intent of this commandment is that we are all endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, and along with these rights comes responsibility to live up to our potential and not be lazy whiners who expect others to do what we’re put here to do.
9. Thou shalt honor the memory of Archie Bunker so that thou days shalt be long upon this Earth. Now that was a wise man. I remember him tell Meathead, “People who live in communes are Communists!” and “ In my day we didn't have no Anglo Americans or African Americans, we was all Americans so if a guy was a jig or a spick, it was his own business.” Or how about: "Why don't you go to sleep and dream about the tragedy that is your life."
10. Thou shalt order your life as follows: God, family, neighbors, community, country, the rest of the world, yourself. Too often people get caught up in materialism or causes or celebrities and lose touch with reality. We are all connected, we’re all messed up together. It is up to bigots to point people towards their place in this world – even if you manage to piss off everyone in the process.

Normally I mark everything that belongs to me, but these tablets are too sacred to pee on. They rank up there with the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance (http://www.dirtymoviecritic.blogspot.com/)

I suppose I’m proud that TT obeys these commandments. Sure, it’s frustrating for him at times - sort of like herding cats or sniffing butts; but they have led him to great spiritual truths and have made him wise, and have helped him overcome numerous obstacles since birth. TT is a hero, a giant among men, a sage and mentor, and a pretty good shot with a 12-guage.