The Ten Commandments of Bigotry

This morning The Third woke me with much banging and cursing. I poked my head out of the front door to see what the fuss was about. TT was manhandling two large stone tablets into the back of his pickup. He glanced my way, saw me watching and shouted for me to hop into the truck. I declined. I’d gone out hunting last night and had to DVR 24, so I wanted to catch up on Jack Bauer before somebody else told me what happened.

Around lunch I moseyed on down towards the front gate and saw where TT had planted the tablets in front of some azalea bushes. He’d also installed a flood light that pointed directly at the tablets; I suspect so his beer-drinking buddies wouldn’t run over them turning into the driveway.

I recognized the tablets because they used to be at the gate to the family cemetery back in New Orleans. When the levees broke and inundated the cemetery, ol’ TT took the fan boat out to retrieve them. He said that they had been passed down from God to his forefathers. I had my doubts, because most of TT’s relatives never learned to read.

Across the top of the first tablet was the inscription: “Ten Commandments of Bigotry”. Below this was chiseled in Imprint MT Shallow font the following commandments:

1. Thou shalt not hate, but thou shalt dislike, everyone. TT obeys this first commandment pretty well. There’s a difference between a racist and a bigot. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright is a racist; Rush Limbaugh is a bigot. Racists are small-minded, bigots are broad-minded – equal opportunity discriminators.
2. Thou shalt not listen to NPR. You see, this is why I’m not so sure God gave these tablets to TT’s ancestors. I understand the sentiment – the NPR reporters will put you to sleep with their monotone delivery. I suspect it’s their way of brain-washing their listening audience; but radio wasn’t even around when God was supposed to have given these commandments.
3. Thou shalt not blame George W. Bush for every problem in your life. Then again, only God could have known that GW would become President and that he would be blamed for Hurricane Katrina and the World Trade Center bombings and Enron and faith based initiatives.
4. Thou shalt not lay down with liberals. Duh! Some truths are self-evident.
5. Thou shalt not associate with, donate to, or fellowship with, racists that belong to the KKK, the NAACP, Acorn, PETA, OPEC, DNC (not the store – the political party), W.A.R., MEChA, and the ACLU. OK, I can see how hanging out with people who hate everything from a person’s skin color, political persuasion, religious preference or even hate our God-given freedoms can be a downer. Racists are miserable people…and there’s a lot of them…everywhere.

On the other tablet was the second set of commandments. The first tablet contained the don’t's, the second contained the dos.

6. Thou shalt preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic. I didn’t know that America’s Founding Fathers were guilty of plagiarism!
7. Thou shalt speak your mind. This is another commandment that TT excels at. Political correctness be damned! Say what you mean to say; just understand that there’s a difference between transparency and shallowness.
8. Thou shalt take responsibility for yourself. Amen brother! I thank God I’m not like those dogs who crap on the sidewalks and expect humans to pick up after me. TT hates it when he goes to the movies and people leave their trash under their seats. But I think the intent of this commandment is that we are all endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, and along with these rights comes responsibility to live up to our potential and not be lazy whiners who expect others to do what we’re put here to do.
9. Thou shalt honor the memory of Archie Bunker so that thou days shalt be long upon this Earth. Now that was a wise man. I remember him tell Meathead, “People who live in communes are Communists!” and “ In my day we didn't have no Anglo Americans or African Americans, we was all Americans so if a guy was a jig or a spick, it was his own business.” Or how about: "Why don't you go to sleep and dream about the tragedy that is your life."
10. Thou shalt order your life as follows: God, family, neighbors, community, country, the rest of the world, yourself. Too often people get caught up in materialism or causes or celebrities and lose touch with reality. We are all connected, we’re all messed up together. It is up to bigots to point people towards their place in this world – even if you manage to piss off everyone in the process.

Normally I mark everything that belongs to me, but these tablets are too sacred to pee on. They rank up there with the 10 Commandments of Theater Attendance (http://www.dirtymoviecritic.blogspot.com/)

I suppose I’m proud that TT obeys these commandments. Sure, it’s frustrating for him at times - sort of like herding cats or sniffing butts; but they have led him to great spiritual truths and have made him wise, and have helped him overcome numerous obstacles since birth. TT is a hero, a giant among men, a sage and mentor, and a pretty good shot with a 12-guage.

Tuesdays With Bubba

Back in New Orleans, Bubba BiGot Jr. III and me used to spend Tuesdays exploring the coastal plains' bayous, swamps, and forests. Often Bubba and I would sit for hours in a flat bottomed john-boat while Bubba fished, and I snapped at mosquitoes and dragonflies. It was during those peaceful and serene moments when Bubba would talk to me about serious things - like about God, politics, and his hopes for his children.

Some people call Bubba BiGot a bigot, and I suppose that he is in some ways. In fact, Bubba is called by God to be a bigot. He's said so several times. Missus BiGot, his wife, says that Bubba misunderstood; that God called Bubba a 'bigot'. But that doesn't explain how he became that way, 'cause you see, Bubba is genetically engineered to exist as a bigot. He didn't just learn how to be a bigot from experience as most bigots learn, it's part of his makeup!

Many humans associate bigotry with racism, but they're not the same thing. Racism is when someone hates someone else because they are a different color or from another culture. A bigot, on the other hand, doesn't hate. A bigot, and I'm speaking here of Bubba because he is the best bigot I know of, simply dislikes everyone. Bubba is an equal opportunity offender. His list of dislikes is so long they can't all be listed here; but here's a few of the things bigots dislike:

Women with hyphenated names - Bubba believes that a wife who retains her maiden name is not serious about her relationship with her husband. Perhaps she's embarrassed by him or his family. Regardless, Bubba advises men to get a pre-nup if they know their fiances' are considering keeping their maiden name.
Liberals - People who believe they have the right to tell others how to live. Liberals despise individual freedoms and are envious of those who rise above their circumstances. Bubba places liberals just below terrorists, pedophiles and debt collectors.
'Religious' people - Bubba despises those in-your-face Christians who believe they are called by God to convict other people of their sins. Often religious people are so busy tending to other's people's sins that they ignore the poor, the sick, the homeless, the innocent and those unable to care for themselves.
Godless people - Bubba gets really turned off by fools who rely on their intellect and education as being sufficient. They mock God or claim He doesn't exist. These people are self-deluded, so Bubba says, "The hell with them."
'Victims' - There is a class of people who believes that they have been wronged by everyone and everything and they demand that other people compensate them for the supposed wrongs. These are people who lack the character necessary to rise above their circumstances. Bubba often quotes Martin Luther King Jr. who once said, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character." And he quotes John Kennedy who said, "Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country." 'Victims' expect everyone else to give them value rather than earning it themselves. Bubba says that these people are breathing someone else' air.
Traitors - Bubba is extremely loyal, and he values his word. Bubba won't promise anything, but he does what he says he will do. Traitors are those people who have no backbone, who allow popular opinion to dictate their actions. Traitors are liars. Traitors try to legislate natural laws to fit their own interpretation. Bubba says that most politicans and judges are traitors because they attempt to change reality and common sense by writing laws that require people to do what is not logical or natural.
Pigs - Pigs are actually humans that expect others to clean up after them, as evidenced in the photo below from Inauguration Day. Pigs leave their trash in theater seats rather than garbage cans because they feel they've paid enough already. Pigs don't care how much work they cause others, but they're the first to whine if someone causes them to work. Pigs have no self-respect or conscience - they only care about getting as much as they can in life with as little effort. Bubba ranks Pigs just above Liberals, but often they are both.


Those are just a few of the things that Bubba dislikes. He bitches a lot, especially when it's hot and the fish aren't biting. On occasion, Bubba will get so mad he'll beat the water with the paddle, like he's trying to beat the stupid out of somebody. A couple of times we've tipped over (that's why Bubba wears a lifevest in a john-boat:) ). But it's while Bubba is venting that he's learned to talk out his issues. Sometimes he prays, and that calms him down, and I don't have to worry about him tipping the boat. I can swim, but he weighs too much for me to pull him ashore.

Bubba puts on a front for other humans; it's part of his reputation. But in spite of his harsh criticism, Bubba feels a responsibility to make this world a better place.

Usually, on those Tuesdays with Bubba, we'd ride around in his truck until he could find someone he could help. It might mean changing a flat tire for a woman stranded on the highway, or buying a box of chicken at Bojangles and giving it to a beggar on the street. A few times Bubba has picked up hitchhikers and taken them to the next town. If no other opportunity presents itself, Bubba will drive down to the rescue mission and volunteer to serve food.

Sometimes Bubba will bring one of his kids along on our Tuesday outings. Tuesdays are all about reflection and relaxation, and about making a difference. Bubba teaches his kids what he feels they're not learning in school, then he shows them how to put other people first so that they don't grow up to be Liberals or Victims. Often the people that he helps are not the same color as Bubba. He may dislike a people group, but deep down inside, Bubba loves people - he just doesn't like showing it.

When God assigned me to Bubba, I thought that I'd screwed up and was being punished. Now I know that Bubba and I are much alike. I too am a bigot: there's a lot of crap we don't like, but we do what we can to make things right...we just enjoy bitching about it.

Uh-oh, 'The Third' is Not Happy Today

The Third stopped by this morning and told me to hop into the truck with him. I just lay there for a couple of minutes staring up at him with one of those "You talkin to me?" expressions, and enjoying his cursing. After showing him I wasn't intimidated, I casually strolled over to the truck and took up the shotgun position. It's not like I had anything better to do. The Third was upset over something he read over breakfast this morning. He talks to me a lot; tells me things he doesn't say to humans. Guess he's worried somebody will sue him for saying what's on his mind. I listened, but I'm not sure I understand why he's so upset. I just wagged my tail and gruffed at the right opportunities so he would know I was paying attention.

The thing that got The Third (hereafter referred to TT) riled up this morning was a letter claiming that the reason so many Americans are losing their jobs, is because foreign workers are coming in and taking them. Something about 1.5 million jobs were taken by legal foreigners last year while 2.5 million Americans lost their jobs. TT said, "Who knows how many jobs the illegals have stolen from Americans!" Shoot, I could have told him that. None of our groundskeepers and housekeepers speak English, though I'm sure they understand it.

I'm not too worried about being insourced myself. Most of the dogs around here couldn't track an elephant in an elevator.

Anyway, TT pulls into this printing shop on Geer Street and we go inside. TT orders 500 bumper stickers, which he intends to hand out to all his friends...I guess they'll each get 100. Here's what TT wanted the bumper stickers to say: "REMEMBER THE ALAMO! OCCUPY MEXICO CITY!"

The man who took the order seemed hesitant at first, until TT got in his face and shouted "You hablas ingles?"
The clerk replied "Si, Si, Senor".
"Hasta pronto!" TT insisted.
"No problema."
TT turned for the door. "Vamos!" he said, looking at me. I just sat there. I didn't know what the hell he was talking about.
"Get in the damn truck Bubba!"

That I understood. On the way out the door another brown skinned human stopped and held the door open for us. TT confronted him, "De donde eres wet-back?" I thought the brown man would attempt to strike TT but he took one look at me and changed his mind. He replied, "Yo soy de Durham". TT demanded to see his green card and the man looked my way again before complying. Now I know why TT wanted me to go with him to the printing shop. TT held the card up to the light, flipping it over and over, though I could tell he didn't know what a green card looked like anyway. He flipped it back at the brown man and said, "Take a bath will ya? It's a long time until Saturday."



I don't fault TT for disliking Mexicans; after all, those stinking sissy cockaroacha chihuahuas are good for nothing except barking and hiding in the purses of female humans. They're always quivering with fear when they meet a real dog, and try to cover it with incessant barking. All they can say is "Yo quiero taco bell! Yo quiero taco bell!" TT gave me a burito grande from Taco Bell once, and I had the runs for two days.

We went back after lunch to pick up TT's bumper stickers. There was a taco truck parked in the printing lot and TT put a sticker on the truck when the driver wasn't looking. Oh yeah, I had TT email me the link to the letter that upset him. Here it is, you might have to cut and paste it into your web browser:
http://www.numbersusa.com/content/resources/video/commercials/elevator-commercial.html?jid=83591&lid=9&rid=928&tid=686245

Welcome to my home

Hi, I'm Bubba Duke. I'm a coon dog and this is my home. Come on inside and check out my crib. I had my master build one like it for himself.


As you can see, the home's open space and tasteful furnishings reflect my flair for style.


Notice the live plants inside - perfect for hiking up the old leg. Mighty convenient hiding the bathroom right there in the living area.



The kitchen - my second favorite room. My favorite foods are steak and crab legs.


This is where me and the bitches get it on...you know - where the magic happens.



Downstairs, check out my home theater. When I'm not napping, I'm studying humans by watching television, even though there aren't a lot of dogs in the movies like there was when Lassie and Rin Tin Tin were around. However, I am a big Elvis Presley fan and own all his movies and CDs. My favorite songs are "Hot Dog" and "Hound Dog". Check out his video below.


Elvis learned to move like that when his dog tried humping his leg. Here's a little known fact: My great, great, great, great cousin on my mother's side was backstage the night Elvis did this performance. On his way to the stage, Elvis stepped in cousin Droopy's poop, which you'll see him trying to scrape off his shoe while performing "Hound Dog".


I grew up on a farm just outside New Orleans, Louisiana. I'm technically a beagle, but I spent most of my youth chasing coons in the bayou's. When Hurricane Katrina came, ole Bubba BiGot Jr, III and myself did the only sensible thing. We moved to higher ground. Bubba, (I call him The Third), took my advice when FEMA gave us a settlement check for the trailer. I told him to invest that money, so he did. He bought $14,257 worth of Power Ball lottery tickets. We won and now we're living high on the hog in Granville County, North Carolina.

The first thing I noticed about North Carolina is that there are too many subdivisions and highways. A dog could get killed just crossing the road to take a leak on somebody else's property. Another thing I noticed is that there aren't as many coons here as there were in Louisiana. Plenty of deer, but they run too fast and can't climb trees, so they're no fun. I'm limited to a few acres here so I thought I might as well make the best of things and fix up my house a little. The Third ran out of money before he could finish furnishing his, so I let him sleep over when he and the Missus can't get along.

It's true that I miss all the fields and swamps I used to hunt in. I was raised to work hard for my living. At six months I was treeing the neighbor's cat. Once I had to fight off a gray fox who was trying to steal my food. The Third noticed my courage and treeing ability and taught me how to hunt coons in the woods. Now, down in Louisiana, where the alligators grow so mean, a coon dog could spend days chasing coons. The Third couldn't keep up with me, so I was always barking and telling him to hurry up. Most of the time I could tree a coon within minutes, but these humans just can't keep up. Still, it was a good life. Things were simpler back then. Dogs knew how to balance work with leisure. Sleep all day, hunt all night. Humans, on the other hand, sleep all night and wander off and get into all kinds of mischief during the day.

I've been around awhile. I've observed what's going on in the world. Unlike humans, common sense and knowledge are passed on to us through our genetics. We know who we are and where we came from and don't waste time trying to become what we are not. I've got some opinions, and I'm going to share them with you from time to time. Be sure to drop back now and again to see what's going on in a dog's world.